025: Letting go of the ”should” in your life with Stuart Thompson

Are you keen to discover how the journey of Coffee, Calm & Connection thus far has impacted its very creators? Are you interested in finding out how to actively implement the habits and principles the platform promotes in your everyday life?

In this unique episode, Coffee, Calm & Connection co-founders Stuart Thompson and Sarah Myerscough flip the script, and Sarah switches from interviewer to interviewee! They discuss how Sarah’s personal journey of self-discovery has already begun to challenge many of the fundamental methodologies with which she approaches the world, many of which revolve around a desire to control every aspect of her life. Stuart and Sarah discuss how attempting to relinquish that control can be instrumental in improving your wellbeing, and in curtailing our common tendency to perpetually worry about what may lie around the corner.

Quote of the Episode

“Keep seeking those moments in life, where you're out of control, where the control is surrendered, whether it be the smallest of things like letting somebody else drive, but also the bigger things about being disconnected for a few hours, not having the phone switched on, not knowing where everything is and what's going to happen. Letting some of that control drop over time can be really renewing and quite refreshing.”

Anxiety specialist Stuart Thompson suggests that many of those who were most deeply affected by the experience of lockdown were those who are least accustomed to surrendering control over their own lives. He suggests that the complete debilitation that accompanies such unpredictable events can completely disrupt our way of understanding the world, which is so often rooted in our seemingly robust control over it. He suggests that in order to offset our common desire for complete control over our lives, we should seek out and treasure those times in our daily lives when we can relinquish it. He argues that the freedom this gives inadvertently boosts your mental wellbeing and enable you to be simultaneously both more wary of and more mentally prepared for the inevitable, unpredictable events that occasionally shake our world.

Key Takeaways

The COVID-19 pandemic is the ultimate testament to the fact that we cannot predict everything, or indeed, anything, with absolute certainty. Yet, when we set goals, we seek control, and take comfort from the ostensible knowledge that, upon fulfilling these goals, we will feel happier.

Stuart Thompson suggests that this tendency towards constant superficial goal-setting often prevents us from seeing or seeking to identify the reasons why we have set such goals. We need to consider the reasons why we pursue certain things, be it to give up alcohol for a year; to train for a marathon; to learn a new language. If we try to achieve such goals for the wrong reasons, we will likely not achieve them, which will land us in an inevitable slump of dissatisfaction and self-flagellation.

This tendency can even extend to mindfulness itself: many of us attempt to make a goal out of self-improvement and self-discovery, an entirely nebulous and individualistic entity. Mindfulness cannot be approached merely as yet another task to tick off on the to-do list. It cannot be regimented or controlled in the way that other aspects of our lives can be. Stuart suggests that we can learn from our children in this respect. By reigniting our imaginations, and spontaneously deciding to do things merely because they appeal to us, without any other motivation, we can inadvertently boost our own wellbeing. This is the intention behind Coffee, Calm & Connection: to subtly integrate mindful practices in short, manageable bursts into your daily routine, thereby creating a habit out of them.

 

Best Moments/Key Quotes

“Chasing the goal can be quite attractive. But there's something also quite puritanical underneath it, of saying, ‘Well, why haven't you reached that goal yet?’ And I think it's something that's crept into our culture… the ‘I'm successful, because I work hard’ mindset. But what that does to some people is, it makes them believe that good things have to be goal-driven. It can't be fun. ‘I must be a terrible person. Because today, all I did was watch TV. Well, that didn't have an outcome to it.’ Where, actually, sometimes it's about maybe looking at the outcome of doing nothing, as a reward in itself.”

“When someone's a high achiever they've been programmed to get a little buzz each time they hit a goal… [They] carry on seeking those little buzzes, rather than realizing that there's as much pleasure in just being present. But as we commercialize and commodify lots of things, mindfulness then becomes a thing we have to follow instructions to do, rather than just something we can enjoy doing and enjoy moving along with.”

“It's quite brave to step out into the world and say, I don't know what's happening today. I don’t know what’s going to happen later.”

‘There's lots of evidence that if we practice with kindness to other people, if we try and understand other people's actions, actually what we do start being a bit kinder to ourselves.’

 

Resources

Solve For Happy: Engineer Your Path to Joy by Mo Gawdat, former Chief Business Officer at GoogleX

Coffee, Calm & Connection Podcast, Episode 023: Forming New Habits for Happiness with Laura DiBenedetto, https://coffeecalmconnection.podbean.com/e/forming-new-habits-for-happiness-with-laura-dibenedetto/ 

Picture This – Online plant identifier: https://www.picturethisai.com/ 

Lost Connections: Uncovering the Real Causes of Depression - and the Unexpected Solutions by Johann Hari

About the Guest

Stuart Thompson is an anxiety specialist, and started his career working as a social worker. He has been a therapist in private practice for 20 years. Stuart is the creator of The STILL Method: a system designed to help both children and adults overcome anxiety. Stuart leads a team of around 50 anxiety coaches working in schools in the UK, USA, and Australia. In 2019, Stuart was recognised one of the most influential disabled people in the UK.

 

Connect with Sarah 

https://www.instagram.com/coffeecalmconnection/ 

https://www.facebook.com/coffeecalmconnection 

https://www.linkedin.com/company/70927508/admin/ 

https://www.linkedin.com/in/sarahmyerscough/ 

 

HOSTED BY: Sarah Myerscough 

 
DISCLAIMER 

The views, thoughts and opinions expressed in this podcast belong solely to the host and guest speakers. Please conduct your own due diligence. 

   

Website: www.coffeecalmconnection.org